8 rules of love
BY: JAY SHETTY
Introduction
what’s the difference between like and love? When you like a flower, you pluck it; when you love a flower, you water it daily — when attraction develops into love, it requires more care (1)
we believe in love as it’s in our nature — we can experience the expansive love that exists (2)
fundamental idea that love has stages, that love is a process, and that we all desire love and be loved (4)
it’s not about finding the perfect person or relationship and leaving the rest to chance — intentionally build love instead of wishing, wanting, and waiting for it to arrive fully formed (5)
4 ashrams: brahmacharyd = preparing for love; grhastha = practicing love; vandprastha = protecting love; sannydsa = perfecting love (6)
preparing for love: we prepare for love learning how to love ourselves in solitude — acquire skills like compassion, empathy, and patience. Also to examine our past relationships to avoid making the same mistakes in relationships going forward (6)
practicing love: tend to oversimplify love where it’s just chemistry and compatibility but the deepest love is when you like someone’s personality, respect their values and help them toward their goals in a long term committed relationship (7)
protecting love: is a healing place to seek peace, where we reflect on the experience of loving others — how to resolve conflict (7)
perfecting love: when we’re extending our love to every person and every moment of our life — it’s boundless (7)
love is about learning to navigate the imperfections that are intrinsic to ourselves, our partners, and life itself (11)
Part 1: Solitude: Learning to Love Yourself
Rule 1: Let Yourself Be Alone
we’ve been primed all of our lives to fear loneliness — being alone meant being lonely, it’s been a cast as the enemy of joy, growth, and love (17)
solo audit = spend one week tracking all the time you spend alone — no tv, phone etc activities like reading, exercising, cooking, meditating etc; write it down and whether doing it without a companion bothered you and why (18)
start doing one new activity alone every week and pay attention to how you react to a new situation — are you able to enjoy yourself alone? Do you wish there were another person here? What you love about the experience? (19)
language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being along and it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone — the difference is the lens which we see our time alone, and how we use that time (21)
3 stages from loneliness to solitude: presence, discomfort, and confidence (22)
presence: when we pay attention to how we feel and what choices we’re making, we learn what we prioritize in our life — our values; self-aware means you can temper your weakness and play to your strengths (23)
discomfort: knowing more about ourselves and what we enjoy helps us feel comfortable in solitude (28)
confidence: when we aren’t looking for them to validate our tastes and choices — we can appreciate their kind words without being misled or distracted by them (28)
research shows that the level of happiness in their relationship does not have a direct reflection of their self-worth — important to have high self-esteem to create a more satisfying work life and better physical and psychological health (32)
solitude helps us master our senses — the mind, because in solitude we are only dealing with one mind (33)
if we don’t understand ourselves, we risk taking in the tastes and values of our partner — their vision becomes our vision (34)
solitude helps you recognize that there is a you before, a you during, and a you after every relationship, forging your own way even when you have company and love (34)
two key skills we learn in solitude are self-control and patient — they’re connected as there we improve our self-control, the more patient we can be (34)
solitude gives us time and space between attraction and reaction (35)
the whole self — we’ve been trained to look for ‘our better half’ or someone to ‘complete us’ — does that mean we are the worse half; does that mean we are incomplete without our partner? — this sets us up for dependency on someone else that can never truly be fulfilled (35)
synching with the people can log us in to their bad vibes as well as their good ones — this why we need to self-regulate, comforting ourselves, calming ourselves down or even pepping ourselves up (36)
the way you speak to yourself affects how people will speak with you, people determine how to treat us in large part by observing how we treat ourselves (36)
you want to go in a journey with someone, not to make them your journey (37)
solitude offers us understanding of our own imperfection — this prepares us to love someone else, in all their beauty and imperfection (37)
Rule 2: Don’t Ignore Your Karma
from the time we are born, choices are made for us — we’re surrounded by information and experiences that shape us: our environment, our parents; our friends, our culture, our schooling (39)
the impressions we carry from these experiences influence our thinking, behaviours, and responses — as the impressions grows stronger, it starts to shape our decisions (39)
the karmic cycle = make a choice — an effect is generated — happy you keep going OR unhappy form a new impression — new choice — a new effect is generated (40)
we love others in response to the way we’ve been loved by others — but if we can put our impressions in context, so we see she understand their origins, then we have the perspective and opportunity to form a new impressions (41)
when we’re young, we completely rely on our parents, and figure out ways to attract their attention, to inspire their attention, and to feel their love — the love they give us shapes how we engage in love (45)
the gifts our parents give us can create many pitfalls as the gaps — if there is a gap in how our parents raised us, we look to others to fill it and if there is a gift in how our parents raised us, we look to others to give us the same (45)
we’re focusing too much on what our parents should have done or wishing they’d behaved differently rather than figuring out what we ourselves can do — no matter how imperfect a situation we were born into, we can learn from our karma and use it to guide us into and through relationship we want (47)
when meeting people, the context effect refers to how the atmosphere in which we encounter them can impact our impression of them (51)
the prefrontal cortex doesn’t develop fully until we’re about 25 — prefrontal cortex help us think before we speak and act and to learn from our mistakes — young people think with their feelings (54)
relationship roles: fixer: are you constantly trying to solve, nurture, help, or make the other person better? Dependent: did you feel like you relied on your partner too much? Did you go to them with all your issues and expect them to find solutions? Supporter: did you like their personality, respect their values, and want to help them toward their goals? Did you respect how they spend their time and kept their space, or did you walkways want them to change it? (58)
we want to take on different roles throughout our relationships, the supporter is the just right mentality, we just need to avoid dating a type with whom we are stuck in the same dynamic all the time (58)
being attracted to our partners for what have or what they’ve achieved is not a bad place to start, but the not a good place to end (61)
if you put something into the world, you get it back — when we present ourselves, we are signalling the dynamic we want, how we expect to be treated, what we think we deserve (62)
it’s important to put out the version of yourself that you want someone to be attracted to, as opposed to the version of yourself that you think someone would be attracted to (63)
the more that you detached yourself from the things that you thought told make you happy like money and fame and other peoples opinions, the more truth is being revealed (64)
we market ourselves to others using our opulences, but doing that won’t benefit us in the long run — we want to show our real personality, values, and goals so we are loved for what matters to us (64)
if we look to our partners to fill an emotional gap, this puts undue pressure on our partner — we are asking then to take responsibility for our happiness (66)
why wait for someone to make us feel good? That’s why it’s so deeply important the we heal ourselves, taking charge of ghat process instead of shifting blame and responsibility to a partner (66)
“love grows by practice, there’s no other way”(69)
Part 2 — Compatibility: Learning to Love Others
Rule 3: Define Love Before You Think It, Feel It, or Say It
you may feel like you know someone because you’ve spent time with them and you like their personality, but you may not know their dreams, their values, their priorities, the things that matter to them (78)
before we tell another person we love them, and before we determine what it means when they say those words to us, we must consider how we define love — what do we expect love to feel like? How do we know we love someone? How do we know if they love us? (79)
the four phases of love — when we tell each other we love each other, we rarely elaborate, we’ve either declared our love, or we haven’t — we don’t leave too much room for variation or degrees of love (79)
first stage — Sharddha where we have the spark of faith that makes us take interest in the divine (curiosity and hope drive us to engage) (79)
second stage — Sadhu-sanga where desiring to associate with spiritually advanced persons, a spiritual teacher or guide who can help us develop our practice (80)
third stage — bhajana-kriya where we perform devotional acts, like attending services or praying — free from material attachments, achieve steadiness in self-realization, and find enthusiasm for serving the divine (80)
fourth stage — prema where this is the supreme stage of life where we have attainted the highest form of a divine loving relationship, unbound by awe and reverence or any kind of hierarchy (80)
Phase One: Attraction — we feel a spark of intrigue, interest, and attraction. Love often starts with this thrilling hint of possibility, this chemistry feels amazing, but we should be careful not to think that chemistry is the only way love begins or that it is the entirely of love (81)
going deep into conversations isn’t a technique— it can be a genuine experience that leads to a true connection; but we can examine our own willingness to open up and be vulnerable with people as we build trust with them (82)
vulnerability leads to reciprocal escalating self-disclosure— over time a couple begins to reveal vulnerabilities to each other that’s the self disclosure— gradually unveil our personalities, values, and goals, we start to see if there is a connection (83)
if you like a persons personality, respect their values, and want to help them pursue their goals (87)
you don’t have to have the same personality, so long as you enjoy each other; you don’t have to share their values so long as you respect them; their goals don’t even have to be things you want to enjoy or want, but you are interested in having these aspects of who they are and why they want to be as part of you’re day to day life (87)
Phase Two: Dreams — false expectations, where we have this checklist of qualities our partner should have and start to seek perfection or one person who can fill every imaginable criterion we’ve created in our kind (88)
it’s okay for different people to fill different needs in your checklist (88)
creating something together is better than wanting the same thing. How you handle your differences is more important than finding your similarities (89)
dreams are an illusion; reality is far more interesting (89)
the time and space we spend apart enhances the time we spend together (91)
we want to find balance among time together, time alone, time with our own friends, and time with collective friends (91)
set schedules and have conversations about the relationship— what feels right for the both of you, their pace and commitment may be different than yours (92)
in these conversations you may not always like what you learn — if the person doesn’t react or respond in the way you wanted, it doesn’t mean this relationship won’t work — it means you can move forward in one direction or another with clarity (93)
Phase Three: Struggle and Growth — trouble is inevitable; it comes when as a couple, we inevitably discover the various ways in which we aren’t aligned (93)
love means that you value your partner enough to confront difficult areas (94)
we need to make mistakes, identify what we need to change, and work on doing better — this is where we grow as individuals and together (94)
there are small and large hurdles — there are 3 routes you can take: you can leave the relationship as the person doesn’t suit your priorities; you can work through the issues together and grow where you feel positive enough about your bond to evolve together; or you can stay together without changing anything which you don’t realize anything (95)
Phase Four: Trust — trust increases gradually through actions, thoughts, words. We give them our trust because little by little, day after day, we have shared more of ourselves and seen what they do with our honesty (95)
physical trust: you feel safe and cared for in their presence— they want to be with you, they’re present and attentive (98)
mental trust: you trust their mind, their ideas, their thoughtfulness, you trust the way they make decisions (98)
emotional trust: you trust their values and who they are as a human — do they treat you well? Are they supportive? Do you trust how they behave not just to you but other people (98)
love brings us through all of these phases over and over again — we never stop deepening our faith in each other; we endlessly find our attraction renewed, we work to remove impurities, love means that we’re happy to go through this cycle together (98)
to experience all that relationships have to offer means facing the challenges and rewards of every stage of love — it is the ongoing growth and understanding that helps us sustain the fun of love, the connection of love, the trust of love, the reward of love; if we never commit, we’ll never get to love (99)
Rule 4: Your Partner Is Your Guru
in a committed romantic relationship the awe and respect in different ways as both are students and gurus (101)
typically we form our concept of how others see us based on how we see ourselves, which is inherently flawed — in the views of our own heads we are the center of the world and everything we experience is some way related to us, that’s what comes from viewing the world through a single lens; our partners have their own biases, but learning to see ourselves through their eyes both expands and fine tunes or own perception of ourselves (101)
a guru offers guidance without judgement, wisdom without ego, love without expectation (102)
being a guru for your partner doesn’t mean imparting wisdom to them — but it does require patience, understanding, curiosity, creativity, and self-control (102)
‘self-expansion theory’ — relationships especially the one with our partner enables us to love a bigger, richer life by expanding our sense of self; we’re motivated to partner with someone who brings to the relationship things we don’t already have, such as different skills, personality traits, and perspectives — our partner expands our sense of who we are because they expand the resources to which we have access (104)
a great relationship needs growth; love is working through it together — overcoming challenges together (104)
the guru doesn’t want power but empowers their partner (108)
the guru is not trying to command, demand, or force their partner to do anything or be a certain way — instead of saying ‘you should do this’ the guru says, ‘I’d love to share this idea with you’ or ‘have you ever thought of it this way’ (108)
the guru doesn’t model good habits because they’re trying to preach or instruct or brag, but because it makes them joyful and happy (109)
having spontaneous compassion and kindness for students — our goal is simply to help them get to the next step in their journey, not the next step in our vision of what their journey should be (110)
we want to help them become the best version of the person they want to be — we support their dreams; we genuinely want to see them grow. But if we’re trying to get them to do something we think would be best for them, they’re not likely to trust our insights (111)
wanting to help our partner should not be confused with wanting to control our partner — one of the most common ways we try to control our partner is to impose our timeline on them — a guru moves at the time and pace of the student, without a deadline (114)
critical feedback has been identified as one of the most common triggers that send us into a fixed mindset — criticism is lazy communication; it’s not constructive, compassionate, or collaborative (115)
being open to the new means that when your partner makes suggestions, inviting you to explore new ground, you are receptive (117)
ego and pride end more relationships than anything else because most misunderstandings are based on ego or pride — ego mires us in false belief that we’re always right (118)
‘most people don’t listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply’ — 3 steps to responding effectively when your partner shares an issue they have with you: first echo what they said, then say what you heard, explaining it back to them in your own words, when both understanding the issue then tell them how you feel (119)
to maintain your sense of self — just because you learn from them doesn’t mean you shape yourself to their ideal and stop learning from anyone else (123)
you are always writing your story — when you meet someone, you start cowriting with them — the stories intertwine (125)
remember you own personality, values, and goals, don’t lose the thread of your own story (124)
Rule 5: Purpose Comes First
“the meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away”
put yourself first because you want to to give the best version of yourself to what matters to you — dharma is the intersection of passion, expertise, and service (125)
dharma is not so much about any particular activity — it’s more about why you do that activity, whether it’s to create something, to connect people, to share what you’ve learned, to serve others or the works (126)
your dharma is a journey, not a destination (126)
4 fundamental pursuits that drive us forward — dharma = purpose, artha = work and finance and self development, Kama = pleasure and connection with others, moksha = liberation from the material world when you connect with spirit (126)
dharma comes first on the list and that’s a reason — it guides how you spend your time,money, energy — it gives meaning to money; same with relationships where if you have no sense of purpose, you don’t bring thoughtfulness and compassion to your pursuit of pleasure (127)
we are confronted with the ups and downs of life, but purpose is an active ingredient that helps us stay stable — and we can bring that to our partner (128)
if your partner can bear to watch you give up your purpose, that’s not love — your purpose has to come first for you, and your partners purpose has to come first for them; then you come together with the positive energy and stability that come from pursuing your purposes (129)
couples needs to maintain their individual identity within the relationship rather than let the relationship define them (129)
dharma helps you live a passionate, inspired, motivated life, a life you want to share with someone — you also have the pleasure of living alongside someone who is fulfilled — there is great joy in seeing the person you love doing what they love (129)
in a relationship, we must be careful that neither partner loses track of what they care about, what they value, and what makes them feel true to themselves (130)
the pyramid of purpose ; learn — devote time to learning in the area of your purpose ; experiment — take what you learned and try it out for yourself in order to discover that works for you and what doesn’t ; thrive — perform your purpose, building consistency and steadiness in what you’re doing ; struggle — face challenges that inevitably come and use them for growth ; win — celebrate success, big and small (131)
a mentor will help you form a vision of how you can start to pursue your purpose and what your life might look like as you continue to live your purpose — find people who enjoy talking about how they found their way (134)
experimenting is putting your learning into practice to find out what works for you and what doesn’t (138)
our partners don’t have to share our passions — remind yourself why you are with them and remember that being alike isn’t necessary for a happy relationship (139)
in order to thrive, you must ramp up your efforts, and pursuing your purpose may start to consume more of your time and energy — it’s vital to share what you’re doing and what you need from your partner in this phase — you are caring care of your own needs so you can give to the people you love (140)
is struggle really necessary? There is bound to be some struggle at all levels of the pyramid — we can’t avoid struggle, but the deeper we understand it, the more we can use it to grow (140)
nobody is satisfied through another persons dharma — if one pretends to share the others dharma, they won’t be able to use their true gifts — dreams don’t have to be big; they just have to be yours (141)
winning is just a byproduct of the first 4 levels (learn, experiment, thrive, struggle) (142)
set goals together: once a year set aside time to talk to your partner about purpose and goals — what are trying to achieve? Are you working to acquire a skill that serves your purpose? Are you looking for a job that is closer to your purpose? What do you want from your partner? How can they help you fulfil your purpose? Do you need emotional support? (143)
observe what brings our partner joy and what their strengthens are, then use what you see to encourage them and affirm them (145)
we aren’t born knowing our purpose or ready to pursue it — let them pursue their curiosity (145)
your partner is your partner in love (146)
if someone’s gives us their time because we demand it, we don’t get the best of them (147)
if our partner doesn’t think we’ll understand, they wont open up or tell us the truth (148)
if our partner went to the gym for 3 months we wouldn’t say much, but if they didn’t go to the gym for that length of time, you’d point it out — that’s generally how we operate — we complain when people are late, but never thank them for being on time; when someone lands a job everybody congratulates them but when someone does the job, nobody congratulates them — instead of celebrating the obvious wins, watch your partner closely for efforts and successes that nobody else is positioned to notice (150)
time is limited and something has to give — while we give one persons purpose priority in terms of time, we must recognize the sacrifice of putting the other partner’s purpose on hold (153)
it’s all a question of time and energy (154)
if your partner is overly busy with their purpose out of an underlying desire to escape the family then that’s a different story (155)
can take turns prioritizing your purposes — one person can take a certain amount of time to focus on theirs while the other one keeps the bills paid and/or manages the household (157)
if both are somewhat experienced and established, then you can take the opportunity to simultaneously pursue your purposes full time (158)
it’s important to keep communicating— not about how busy each of you is, but how much you care about what you’re doing (159)
watching your partner grow and being part of that journey is a deeply fulfilling and exciting, as is your own growth — it’s not always smooth, but it a beautiful journey — when you’re part of each other’s growth, you don’t grow apart from each other (160)
Part 3: Healing: Learning to Love Through Struggle
Rule 6: Win or Lose Together
conflict is the beginning of consciousness (167)
no matter how compatible a couple is, to live in conflict free bliss isn’t love — it’s avoidance (167)
partners who avoid conflict don’t understand each others priorities, values or struggles — every couple fights or should (168)
we should fight with our partner not out of ego, but because we want to protect and build a beautiful future (169)
see it as a team fighting against the problem — don’t want to crush your wife, why do you want to crush the person you’ve chose to spend your life with? — every time one of you lose, you both lose. Every time the problems loses, you both win (170)
fighting, done well, benefits relationships — knowing how to fight (171)
energies of being = ignorance, passion and impulsivity and goodness — use these energies as a way of examining what state of mind we bring to any moment (173)
pointless arguments — arises in the energy of ignorance; thoughtless outburst, no intention to understand each other or find a solution (174)
power arguments — emerge in the energy of passion; win for the sake of winning, focused on our side of the argument, ego drives (174)
productive arguments — takes place in the energy of goodness; see conflict as a hurdle we want to overcome together, open to recognizing each other’s side of the story, want to understand (174)
in order for a couple to win together, you must be acting out of love and the desire to be a team with your partner (175)
thinking you’re right doesn’t solve anything (175)
being right only validates us, it won’t solve problems (176)
instead our goal is understanding — we want to connect; we aim not to resolve our conflicts, but to use the resolutions to grow together (176)
putting aside our egos to face and overcome obstacles with our partner purifies the ego (176)
when we take a neutral role, we remind ourselves that the problem isn’t our partner — it is something we don’t understand about them and something they don’t understand about us (179)
types of conflicts = 1. Social conflicts; triggered by external factors that come into your zone and cause you to disagree 2. Interpersonal conflicts; complaint is with another person 3. Inner conflicts; root is an insecurity, expectation, disappointment, or other problem that lies within you (180)
fight styles; venting = express their anger and keep hashing it out until a solution is reached, but remember there are two sides of the story and two sets of emotions, yours and your partners; hiding; some people shut down in a argument and need space; exploding; erupt with emotions, be able to mange your emotions (183)
5 steps that can help find PEACE; P = place and time, E = expression, A = anger management, C = commitment, E = evolution (185)
pick a place and time for resolving your conflict — develop ability to hold back even an issue arises will change your fights forever (185)
pick a time when both sides are calm and not after work — consider writing a letter so you stay on topic, want to pick a neutral space that’s maybe not the bedroom or dinner table (186)
try this: make an agreement for your next argument (187)
share how you feel, not what you think of the other person — 10% of conflict is due to difference of opinion, 90% is due to wrong tone of voice (189)
fights often start with the same two words, ‘you always’ — this language is a sign that you haven’t purified your ego (189)
instead try and focus on clarity — ‘I think our problem is that… or it’s important to me that we…’ — what’s our issue? What do you need from me right now? (189)
once you’ve established your intention for the argument, you can start sharing your feelings — when you say ‘I think’ it suggests that you hold a fixed stance, while ‘I feel’ suggest that you’re describing your emotional reaction, which can evolve (190)
to resolve an issue, you’ll need to reach an agreement — this agreement necessarily involves change (194)
3 steps to a real apology — 1. Acceptance: needs to feel true regret for their behaviour or mistake — recognizing how their choices affected the other persons feelings 2. Articulation: needs to communicate their understanding and regret with clear expression of the challenges and emotions involved 3. Action: need to honor our commitment to avoid making the same mistake again — changed behaviour (195)
Rule 7: Don’t Break in a Breakup
major ruptures to a relationship that needs to be addressed — abuse, infidelity, inertia, disinterest (200)
6 categories of abuse: sexual, financial, digital, verbal and emotional, physical, and stalking — can interfere with your decision making (201)
when your relationship contains fear and criticism, it’s hard to feel free to be yourself (201)
if you’re deeply invested in the relationship, make a significant effort to express who you truly are (202)
if you betray your partner, you haven’t taken the time to understand yourself (204)
lack of day to day communication is a problem in couples where they never share or discuss the things going on in their lives — can make your partner feel like they’re not a significant part of your life (206)
another sign of waning interest is that you don’t instantly want to share good news or bad news with your partner — think about who comes to mind when you have good news to share, if your partner isn’t in the top three, then this probably means either you don’t feel that they’re important enough to share it with, or you feel they don’t care enough (206)
we nurture intimacy in our relationships by learning and growing together — ‘great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people’ when we connect in negative issues, we generate low vibration. When we experiment together, learning from and through each other, we generate a high vibration that energizes and stimulates connections (208)
if you can’t generate a high vibration, it might be because you don’t have any new thoughts to share — you aren’t spending time developing yourself — intimacy develops and thrives when we disclose more, when we try our ideas and let ourselves be vulnerable, this deepens our bond (209)
intimacy is created through shared adventures — entertainment, experiences and experiments, and education — a shared experience together to let us reflect, share our opinions, and see if we’re in agreement (209)
being in a place without distractions helps couples go deeper and become closer (211)
serving together, doing charity work together, volunteering together — these activities are deeply connected (211)
some of the best experiences are experiments — when you and your partner set out to try something new together — you don’t just learn something new; you learn about yourself and your partner, the more vulnerable you are when you experiment, the more intimacy you’ll feel (211)
play is the mental state in which we learn best, and that play is essential for our mental health (212)
when you accomplish something new together, you bring that experience to all areas of your life (212)
the novelty and excitement of something new or daring heightens our senses and can create strong feelings of romantic attraction (213)
can build intimacy through education — teaching each other’s purpose (214)
expressing gratitude — the more we pay attention to our partners, the more we appreciate their thoughtfulness and more likely to respond in kindness (214)
either continue with growth, choosing to elevate the relationship or can separate — third option is to continue as is in stagnation; which is never good (215)
identify an intolerable issue; take this issue down a path from intolerable to tolerable to understanding to acceptance and sometimes to appreciation (217)
there might be some way of dealing with the issue — you two can figure something out even if you have no idea how (129)
sometimes it seems more important to keep peace than to solve the problem — so we pretend the issue doesn’t exist (220)
to prevent catastrophes, we need to face our problems instead of avoiding them, we want a relationship where we know the other person has our back — where we feel understood and where we can talk about anything — we feel like we have to agree for there to be connection, but we can disagree and still connect; in fact we need to disagree in order to connect (220)
instead of deciding that our partners behaviour makes no sense or it means they don’t care about us, we now start to study how their past experiences influenced their behaviour (220)
acceptance can also mean that we appreciate the work our partner is doing to make a change, or that we’re working on a compromise together, or that we realized we’re the ones who have to change (221)
in accepting our partner, we learn to face hard truths with grace (222)
to address an intolerable issue with your partner is one of the greatest challenges love presents (223)
love is recognizing that the challenge might be connected to a quality that draws us to our partner — all parts of them are connected, and seeing that connection leads us to appreciation (223)
do you want to go on this journey with your partner? (223)
if you entered a relationship without coming to appreciate solitude, then you might stay in that relationship for too long because you don’t want to be single again — if you rely on it to bolster your sense of who you are and what you want, you’ll never break up; you think, I may not be happy or content, but at least I’m not alone (234)
no one is able to destroy that imperishable soul — it is everlasting, present everywhere, unchangeable, immovable and eternally the same (225)
when your relationship crumbles, you are not what’s breaking — your soul doesn’t end, it’s your expectations of your partner are breaking, what you thought you were building with them is breaking, what you had together is breaking (225)
there are no perfect words to tell someone the relationship is over — can shape the conversation around the 3 key elements of a connection; you like their personality, respect their values, and want to help them toward their goals, try to articulate where you’re different (226)
if your partner breaks up with you, remember that the person who hurt you can’t help you heal — how can they stop talking to you when you’re counting on them to help you feel better? But it was never that person’s job to make you happy; that was and is your job (228)
don’t wait for an apology; closure is something you give yourself (229)
Try this: give yourself closure (230)
“everything we love goes. So to be able to grieve that loss, to let it go, to have that grief be absolutely full, is the only way to have our heart be full and open. If we’re not open to losing, we’re not open to loving” (232)
honor your ex for the lessons and gifts they gave — you learn so much from those relationships (232)d-insights: reflect on what you gained, reflect on what you lost, reflect on your own shortcomings, ask yourself what did I learn about myself in this relationship (233)
redefine your value — story of the father and boy asking the value of his life; father handed the boy a shine red stone and said to go ask the baker if he’ll buy it from him, just make sure to hold up 2 fingers when he ask how much. Went to the baker and asked and when ask how much he held up 2 fingers, baker said he’ll buy it for 2 dollars. Then the boy went to the antique dealer and did the same, they looked at the stone and said they’ll take it for 200 dollars. Lastly, the boy went to the jeweller held up to the sun to shine and did the same with two finger; jeweller said this is a rare find and 200,000 dollars is fair price — your life is a different worth to different people; we are defined by what we accept. Part of what makes a break up so hard is that this person who once valued us so highly no longer does, we’ve been devalued, BUT only by them; this is why we have to see our own worth and find someone who values us for who we are (235)
if we spend all our time post-breakup analyzing the breakup, we’ll never move on — but we shouldn’t move on by hastily jumping into another romantic relationship — this is a great time to start attracting people you actively want to have in your life; friends who share your interests, communities where you feel comfortable (238)
imperfect love teaches us — best cure for loneliness or disconnection is to combine a sense of mission and purpose in your life with community engagement (239)
your health is a “means to an end, which is, essentially, to make some meaningful stuff happen, not just for you but for others (240)
no matter where you started or who you loved or how much money you made, you may get to a point of material dissatisfaction. You feel like there must be more. You don’t feel fully satisfied. Some people might think of it as a midlife crisis. But this represents a deepening connection to spiritual work. With compassion, empathy, and selflessness you are ready to extend yourself beyond your family and to find your purpose in the greater world — you’re never going to perfect love in this life, and that means you get practice love everyday of your life (240)
Part 4: Connection: Learning to Love Everyone
Rule 8: Love Again and Again
a story which a teacher asks a student if you had $100 to give, would it be better to give it all to one person or to give $1 to 100 different people? — the more we give, the better, but we start small and over time grow our capacity to give love — the way you perfect love is not by waiting to find or have it, but by creating it with everyone, all the time (247)
having a partner isn’t the end goal, it’s practice for something bigger — a form of love that is even more expansive and rewarding than romantic love — it is infinite (248)
to look beyond the self to how we can serve others — to experience love constantly by choosing to give it to others always (248)
to find love in moments of frustration, annoyance, anger, and dismay, when it seems out of reach (248)
to create more loving connections with every person we meet — to feel love for all humanity — love means noticing that everyone is worthy of love and treating them with the respect and dignity their humanity automatically makes them deserve (248)
we are connected, and when we serve others, we are serving ourselves (248)
the sannyasi serves as many people as possible — why limit love to one person or one family? Why experience love only with a few people? When we expand our radius of love, we have the opportunity to experience love everyday, at every moment (249)
instead of expecting love, we have to find ways of expressing love (250)
we are wired to love and be loving — eternal, full of knowledge, full of bliss; this is our loving core (250)
love those closest to you; 1. Understanding: all of us want to be understood, try to understand who they are by listening and asking questions 2. Belief: believing they have the potential to achieve their dreams 3. Acceptance: accepted of who they are and their differences 4. Appreciation: appreciating the little and big things, the efforts and changes they make (253)
meet people with love even when they don’t meet you with love — offer love to everyone the same way — don’t compromise your values, and don’t accept abuse, but stretch your capacity to give love (253)
when you accept who you are and what you want, you’re less likely to be triggered by someone’s else’s opinion of you or perception of your ideas (254)
try to love someone for the spark in them, not what surrounds them (256)
when we recognize what someone did, we appreciate who they are — we love our peers through support, encouragement, collaboration, cooperation, and appreciation (259)
we think love has to be obtained, earned, achieved, and received — we look for it in the form of attention and compliments and people acknowledging us — but actually the greatest way to experience love is to give it (266)
you can seek love your whole life and never find it, or you can give love your whole life and experience joy (266)
experience it, practice it, and create it instead of waiting for it to find you — the more you do this, the more you will experience the depths of love from different people throughout every single day for the rest of your life (266)